During my daily web crawl, (okay, it was actually a rare case of ego-surfing), I happened upon a story on my press junket to Israel. The story appeared in The Jerusalem Post, formerly known as the Palestine Post, (see pic at right).
I remember talking with the reporter. He would pop up from time to time during various parts of the trip. I was so disoriented and travel-weary that at first, I thought he was a member of the crew. He quoted me in the piece and it was all good. It's very surreal to be on the other side of the notebook. I hate being interviewed. Without fail, I walk away thinking, "what did I just say?"
Like, yesterday. I was interviewed by an editorial assistant at a magazine I'm writing a story for. I will be featured on the Contributor's Page when the story is published and they usually run a short bio on the writer, complete with quotes. The whole time I was talking to the young lady, I felt like I had diarrhea of the mouth. I just Couldn't. Stop. Talking. It was so bad that I was actually having this whole interior dialogue with myself as I was being interviewed.
Editorial Assistant: So who are your favorite writers? Who inspires you?
Me: Youmeanlikealiveordead? Causesomewriterswhoarelivearelikereallycool. [takes breath] ButsomewritersthatIlikeareactually...umm...youknowlikedead.
Interior Dialogue: Would you slow down? And think before you speak. You sound like an idiot.
Editorial Assistant: I guess, uh, living or dead writers would be fine.
Me: IloveOctaviaButlerexceptshe'sdeadsoIshouldsayilovedher. Youknow. Whenshewasalive. I alsolovethiswriternamedTananariveDue. Idon'tknowhowtospellhernamebutyoucouldprobablygoogleherandithinkshelivesinFlorida.
Interior Dialogue: Tananarive Due? You haven't read any of her stuff in ages! Why don't you tell her how much you love UsWeekly and People and how you get all depressed when you don't have enough money to buy them every Friday? Why are you trying to make yourself sound all literary when you really love David Sedaris and Augusten Burroughs and you never even finished Tom Wolfe's A Man In Full!
Me: That is the ONLY book that has ever defeated me! And that's because when I got to page 1,253 he was STILL introducing new characters and new plotlines. And dammit, once I get halfway through a book, I fully expect you to start wrapping stuff UP for god's sake. Jeez.
Interior Dialogue: She just asked you if you enjoyed interviewing [redacted Celebrity Name].
Me: Oh. Yes. She was very sweet and I really liked her a lot.
Interior Dialogue: Oooh. Nice. Really Exciting.
Me: Shut UP!
Suffice it to say. I don't like being interviewed. So, I'm grateful that I didn't sound ridicuous in The Jerusalem Post.
And NOW I understand why interview subjects always say things like this to me at the end of an interview:
Okay, now. Make me sound like I have some sense [Mariah Carey]. Or Don't make me sound too crazy [Al Green] . Or, you gon' clean that up, right? [Busta Rhymes]
Internally, I always roll my eyes and think: What do you expect me to do? Reword your slang? Make you speak the King's English? Make it seem like you DIDN'T kill a woman in your house after she burned you with a pot of hot grits? Jeesh. I'm a writer. Not a miracle worker. [not a miracle worker. what a lame quip. that's right up there with this girl on my block telling me to move out of her way because my father was not a glass maker. Meaning, she could not see through me. Which never made any sense to me. If my father WAS a glassmaker would that automatically mean I was MADE OUT OF GLASS? What the--?]
Anyway, now I understand why the people I interview always ask me to work miracles on their quotes. Because yesterday, after I talked to the young lady from the magazine, I swear, I wanted to tell her: I know I sound insane. But I'm really, really not. Please don't pick up on my sudden inability to speak coherently...
I have a newfound understanding for a reporter's power. You talk. It's recorded. You can't double back and clean it up and tell the world about the argument with your Interior Dialogue.
This doesn't mean that I'm going to go easy on the people I interview. This simply means that from now on I should demand things that mega-super-celebrities get to do before an interview...
You know, see the questions ahead of time. Make some things off limits. Maybe even have the right to read and edit everything before it runs! You know, all the things I'd never stand for on the other side of the notebook...
-A
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Posted by: Assignment Writing | November 08, 2010 at 06:49 AM